Giving your child back to God

Life is always a journey. Some journeys are short, some are temporary, some are longer and some are a forever journey. As I've had children and reflecting on who I was before, during and after each child came into our lives, it is fun to reflect on the journey I've taken personally ~ most noteably, spiritually.
When I married, I had already begun my journey back to Christ, or really finding Him for the first time, with sincerity and a desire to know Him. But it was a simple question that my to-be husband asked, 'Want to go to church with me?' and the choice I had to make. For me, it wasn't hard at all; without hesitation it was a joy-filled, Yes! I wasn't even close to thinking that I should be seeking after Jesus; quite far from that infact! But my heart knew a different story and out of my heart came the resounding, 'yes, Lord!' And so the journey began...
And I began to be refined in the fire. As a baby 'seeker', I did the best I could with what I had known to that point and what I was able to glean off of those God brought into my life. I didn't know that I had what I needed inside of me already, let alone how to 'tap into' that.

^{1 John 2:20} But you are not like that, for the Holy One has given you his Spirit,^[e] and all of you know the truth. ²¹ So I am writing to you not because you don’t know the truth but because you know the difference between truth and lies.

So I gleaned and I grew and I struggled. And along came our daughter. And we struggled and gleaned. I love her the best I could while fighting the world and satan for my marriage. My journey took a leap, one ring closer to the center, to God. But these were baby steps. God's timing was perfect, to him years are like days and days are like years. He does not move in time as we know it. But he moves in his time because he knows it!

As our daughter grew and as we grew as parents and spouses, my journey to Christ became more focused. And by the time our son was on the way, I was many more rings closer to the center, closer to God, through the experiences he had given us, the seeking steps I had been taking and the choices to believe, even though I had not seen. And He blessed, as he promises, because he does not break a promise.

I very vividly remember when our son was very young and we were in an apartment we considered very temporary. My husband and I and our son slept in the basement - much against my wishes, but this is how the Lord wanted to lay out the house (you see, I love light, windows, sunshine waking me up; not darkness, paneled walls, spiders ~ you know, basement feel! yuck!!). But there we were, and he was sleeping in a pack n' play in our basement 'space'. It was one night before putting him to bed that I intentionally made a choice to give our son back to God. I prayed to the Father and handed back the control of Gabriel's life to him and vowed I would do my best to guide him but that He belonged to the Father and I was only a steward of his life.

When he woke up with night terrors, I would sing Jesus Loves You to him, nothing else was said, over and over quietly in his ear, hugging him close and rocking him, even though he screamed so loud. I was lead to teach him to keep scripture in his heart at a very young age. And to date - one of the most noteable times I was made aware that he was God's child and God was and could guide his life - IF I gave over the control - was the potty training (see my blog post on that here).

As I watch our son grow up and grow in the Lord, I see God's fingerprints all over his life. He has a very very soft, genuine, caring heart. He has pure joy and innocence. He loves Jesus and sees him throughout his day. And he hears the Father telling him over and over, 'Never will I leave you. I will always be with you.'

 Deut 31:6 "Be strong and brave. Don't be afraid of them. Don't be terrified because of them. The Lord your God will go with you. He will never leave you. He'll never desert you."

He sees Jesus in his days and does not question it (like we would if an adult told us they saw Jesus) because he is pure, undefiled, a child. I can just picture him saying: 'And why wouldn't you see Jesus like I do? After all, mommy, we talk about him every day, we pray to him, he is our friend like everyone else is. Why is it so special or different that I see Jesus - Don't you see him?!?'

But I truly believe, our son is so pure and undefiled and unattached to this world, because I made the choice to give him back to the Father and every choice I have made since then, I test with this mission statement to make sure the decision I am making leaves God in control of him and not me. And if you know our son, you will know, he is a very BRIGHT LIGHT for the Lord! It is not of me, but of God.

I had a choice to make last week. Our son came to me with the desire to take the training wheels off his bike. He asked and so I figured he was ready, as per God's timing. Again, children speak truth from the heart, as they are still pure at certain stages in their young lives. And truth comes from God. So this was God telling me he was ready. So we took the training wheels off. And I was quickly reminded about the potty training process. We immediately held hands and prayed before he even got on the bike. I asked God to give me patience and to give him the wisdom and knowledge he needed for the mechanics of riding a two-wheeler. And this is how we proceeded, each time he attempted to ride, each day. Though I did wise up and had him pray for me and I prayed for him! that seemed much more helpful!!sometimes it's hard to pray for yourself. :) After three separate instances of him trying to ride (these being like 15-20 minute attempts), God heard and answered our prayers. Our joy was made complete, and boy what a joy it is to watch our, just turned 4-year old, ride, like a pro, on his two-wheeled bike! The joy comes from the overflowing joy on his face at his accomplishment, and also from knowing that we both trusted completely in the Father and he kept his promises to us.

I would not say, at ALL, that I messed up our daughter by not turning her over to God early on. Though I know there are struggles she may not have had to encounter in her life if I would have, I also know that God can turn anything around, at any time, as soon as we hand over the wheel. And when I did that, he began working in her. It is just clear to me the difference in having done that earlier with our son than with our daughter.

So if you have children, leave them at the temple as soon as they are born!! God knows what he is doing - no baby is too young or too helpless. God takes care of them all and he can do it better if he's not fighting you for the steering wheel!

Soul Joy

Romans 12:2 (ESV)

²  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I have been filled with almost indescribable joy in these last few months as I've been watching the relationship of my youngest children flourishing. Pure joy to my soul.

I'll take you back to the 2010-2011 school year. My daughter was in 1st grade in the public school. Her brother just 2. And this was their relationship: he adored her and she loathed him. Sounds typical, you say. Sure it is typical, if you're of this world. But we are not of this world ~

Joshua 24:15
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
We serve the Lord in this household, not the world. Brother/Sister quarrels - of this world. Feeling like your younger sibling is not good enough to hang out with - of this world. Feeling like you're too cool for your younger sibling - of this world. Thinking their should not be too much of a bond between children because they are so far apart in age - of this world!!! Do not conform to the patterns of this world...

But my daughter was a slow fade into conformity due to the friends she had to choose from. When she started Kindergarten at age 4 in public school (because she was tested and found ready), she was the sweetest, most loving and precious child. She loved her friends and love Jesus. But very quickly, she was picked on because she was ONLY 4, while all her classmates were 5 and in some cases even 6. She learned and conformed to that mentality of the course of the 2 years she was in public school. Every year, it got worse. She had to hear over and over on the playground, 'you can't play with us, only kids that are ....age can play with us.' And what did she get at home playing with the kids around the block, the same thing, even with the kids who were in the same grade as her but a year older.

Patterns of the world.  No one else was telling their kids, you don't need to exclude anyone. Everyone has gifts to share and parts of their personality to share that you don't have and it's good to accept others and enjoy their gifts as they share them with you.

So she brought that home and handed it right off to her brother.  They yelled at each other all the time, they got in arguments over toys because she didn't want to share, they were bored because she didn't see the value in playing with her brother and felt like she had no one to play with. It was a long 2+ years.

And I prayed. I prayed for her heart. I prayed for their relationship. For the protection of his heart because he was not understanding why his sister did not want to play with him. And for peace in our household. I prayed expecting God would answer.

And his answer: an invitation to join a new group of ladies - people I hadn't spent much time with at all and some not ever - but an opportunity to become part of a community of believers to share life together. And that was the day that changed our lives, again. That was the night, after hanging around after everyone else had left because I was enjoying myself and was half expecting they'd kick me out if they didn't want me hanging around, the invitation came. An offer to have my daughter home-schooled at their house!! God, you are so awesome! Are you serious?! I couldn't have come across a better solution in a million years. I wasn't equipped to homeschool and it wouldn't have been at all the same, since their school already had kids in it and two kids already there in her grade! It was the weekend before public school was to start, not more than three days after we had dropped off all her supplies at school and she was truly excited about her teacher, as she had been hoping that she would have him for 2nd grade. But I knew this was a gift from God and was not going to let the devil tantalize her with the thought of a 'cool teacher' - what would have been a bandaid on a broken bone.

We went to school, took back her supplies and God worked out the rest, of course!

Fast forward to this weekend. Saturday was quite possibly one of the best days so far in their relationship. I have been continuously praising God for his healing in their relationship over the last several months. It has been so noticeable and undeniable that God is the one working in them, moving them to a more loving relationship with each other.

So this weekend, they come running up to me and ask me if they can share a bedroom by moving my son's bed downstairs into his sister's room. They both were excited about the idea and his toddler bed was just the right size and easy enough to move. I thought, how excellent is it, they love each other so much that they want to share space and feel the comfort of the other being in the room when they sleep. Absolutely!! Are you kidding me - I love you guys so much! My heart was just exploding and almost speechless with pure joy at the development of this new relationship that God has been forging. And in which I have been obedient in disciplining along the way when those 'of the world' patterns were trying to creep in and take over.

I have gotten to witness gut giggles, them playing together non-stop, eating the same kind of candy after they finish their meal (that's our treat, 1-piece after eating all that's on the plate in the correct proportion and food groups) and wanting to do that, getting each other's water bottles out of the fridge, taking baths together, helping each other make their beds and picking up toys, piggy back rides, playing games together, hugging each other, laying on top of each other to watch movies, snuggling .....

Truly, truly loving each other from the heart!!

And moving his bed down to her room, was the best cake icing I have ever tasted!

Her mind was renewed and as a result all our lives have been transformed. God's word is steadfast and true, forever and always.

We will continue on, removing ourselves from this world, so that our joy may be complete. We will continue to serve the Lord; anything else is serving satan.

Window to the heart

3 John 1:2
Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.


A heart transplant is a life changing, major, major event. My cousin's recent heart transplant at the very young age of 22 reminded me of the heart transplant I have undergone through the work of the Holy Spirit. In both transplants, God's sovereignty reigned and still reigns and his purpose for us both, though unknown in it's fullness to us, continues on each day as we continue in obedience.

As my heart continues to be transformed by the Father, I am saddened to become aware of what others think they 'see' in my heart or what is assumed about my heart's condition. What a gift in disguise it might be to have a heart from whom, the history of that heart is unknown? No idea of the behaviors, attitudes, past decisions, judgements that heart was a part of are known about that heart's life before it reached my cousin, thus to all of us its a pure, clean, fresh heart - no negativity attached, no strings attached. It is simply (simply in a HUGE way) a brand new heart. No preconceived notions to turn around and no barriers to break down. It is at face value, a new heart, nothing more, nothing less. But it still the responsibility of the beholder to reject or accept that new heart.

Our Father began his work on my heart when I met my husband, and in our journey as a married couple, his heart was overhauled as well. Our hearts DID hold deceit, lies, secrets, selfishness, pride, envy, control, fear, failure, blame, guilt, insecurities, hatred, perverse speech, vanity....you name it, it was there; the curse of being attached to this world, whether by a large anchor or a tiny piece of thread.

But clearly to us, God's miracle in all of it was that he had a purpose for us, much beyond anything we could have ever imagined and he threw us into the fire and willingly we went in it and through it! Unlike Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo who didn't get even the smell of smoke on them from the fire, my husband and I were charred!  Broken, brittle, ugly, dark and brought to ashes before being restored into gold, refined by the fire. 

He has now filled our hearts with his purpose, a desire for his work, a genuine love for his children and the desire to live, only with the help of his Counselor, the Spirit, like Jesus lived. Asking questions, being bold, being misunderstood more often than not, feeling alone, bringing love with a charge, loving our friends while leading them forward to him by modeling intentional change - swimming against the current. And the question/the responsibility that walks in front of us to all we cross....accept our new hearts or reject them?

If we could allow you a window into our hearts now, this is what you would find:

2 Corinthians 12:19
Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? We have been speaking in the sight of God as those in Christ; and everything we do, dear friends, is for your strengthening. 

The strings to this world, I've referred to them before as 'Human Traditions' manifest themselves in thoughts like this: I can't trust my friends. They don't really care about me. They're only looking out for themselves, just like me. Isn't that what everyone is doing? They don't really know what I'm going through, my life is completely different from theirs; my experience is different and they have no idea what I'm going through. What worked for them is surely not going to work for me, they're just trying to make me feel better. They really don't have any idea what it's like to struggle; they've never truly struggled in their lives. There has got to be some reason why my friend would want to help me - you know the 'what's in it for me?', I'm sure there's something my friend will benefit out of the advice they're trying to give me. Why would my friend say something so mean? What kind of advice is that? Who are they to tell me how to live my life? What do they know about what I'm going through anyway. Who do they think they are?!  I don't need to change a thing about myself. Why are they so judgemental? They have no right to make such conclusions. ---

Sound 'of the world' to you? Full of pride, defensiveness, control, fear...

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the ways of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

How do you know how deep into conformity you are? If conformity is the sign that you are sucked into this world and have more strings tied to this world than to eternity, would you want to know? And how can you even begin to figure out how 'conformed' you are? 

A great place to start is with how you treat those you call your true friends.
Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Do you allow your true friends to be truthful with you, even when it hurts? Are you vulnerable with them so that through them God can bring change to you?

Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

Do you trust that your friend, who loves you at all other times and you've felt that love, also loves you in this hard time when they tell you something you don't want to hear, BUT NEED to hear? We all want to feel rosy and warm, especially with our friends, but if our friends can't be the ones to set us straight sometimes, then who CAN be?

And consider this - if our friend, whom we love so much, enough to call on them for advice and share life's more personal times with, enough to know that even though years have passed and we haven't always been in touch consistently but we know they'll be there when we need them - that kind of friend - if we can't trust the goodness in the heart of our bestie at ALL times........how in the world do we think we can trust a friend we can't even prove with any tangible measure exists??!?! If we can't hold enough faith in a friend we can see and touch to trust the goodness in them, how is it that we expect to hold faith in the goodness of a friend we will never see and touch this side of heaven?

This reminds me of another parable from the Word:
Luke Ch 16: 19-31 (only some of it is below)
²⁷ “Then the rich man said, ‘Please, Father Abraham, at least send him to my father’s home. ²⁸ For I have five brothers, and I want him to warn them so they don’t end up in this place of torment.’
 ²⁹ “But Abraham said, ‘Moses and the prophets have warned them. Your brothers can read what they wrote.’
 ³⁰ “The rich man replied, ‘No, Father Abraham! But if someone is sent to them from the dead, then they will repent of their sins and turn to God.’
 ³¹ “But Abraham said, ‘If they won’t listen to Moses and the prophets, they won’t listen even if someone rises from the dead.’”

Even if someone rises from the DEAD, they will not listen? Now that's a serious level of worldly conformity? Or is it that serious (the world would say)? How deep into conformity are you? How dead are you?

Don't wait until you get to hell to find out like the rich man did! Ask yourself the hard, ugly questions today AND answer them HONESTLY, today! Is God trying to speak to you through someone but you do not want to listen?

Seeing the Fruit

When I got married, our marriage was traditionally human. It followed the pattern of this world, from selfishness to pride, to secrets, to bitterness, unrealistic expectations of all sorts, separate checking accounts, separate lives and the absence of God because of our own choosing through our sin. It was always a fear of mine when we began having children; how was I going to teach my children what a family centered on God was, when we clearly did not have that and it was not impression-ably modeled to me in my growings up? What did it look like to be a family that was centered on God, dependent on him for everything, while not keeping them in a bubble?

As our marriage turned around, our lives turned around. We turned to God, repented and asked for healing and he has delivered, over and over again. And he continues to forgive and heal and grow us daily as we seek him. Just the other day he gave me another miracle - a glimpse at just how our lives in this family have made an impression, the most impressionable one to be made, on our kids.

We own a gym. But it's not a gym. It's a mission field. It's a ministry. It's a place God has chosen, as we have said, 'Yes Lord, your servant is listening,' to bring his children who need sowing, watering or nurturing. In this place, God calls us to serve him by loving, encouraging and guiding his sheep that he brings through our doors.  This is not a secret to anyone who comes through our doors, nor is it a secret to our kids. We pray for our gym family and with them at the gym, our brothers and sisters, and we invest in them, as they allow.  And this is what our kids see. They are just as much a part of God's work at the gym as we are.

And so, the other night, when I was making dinner, my daughter (7) said, 'I don't know, I can't decide if I want to be an adult or a kid. I want to stay a kid because I like being a kid, but I want to be an adult too.' In my mind I was thinking, Oh, no you don't sweetheart. Don't wish your childhood away. But I knew in my heart, it wasn't an encouraging word that would benefit her. So I kept it in and began contemplating my adulthood, briefly. And then she said, 'I want to be an adult so I can get a job.'   But again, my thought was, Jobs aren't all they're cracked up to be!  'I want a job,' she continued, 'so that I can worship God every day.'

Woah! What!!! This caught me so off guard; it took me a good thinkin'-minute to connect the dots. And then God revealed to me the Fruit. She knows our gym is all about God. And she connected our ministry at the gym with being an adult and that being an 'adult job'. Awesome God! So awesome. Praise you, Lord!

And I was reminded of that fruit again today, as we were eating lunch. I turned on some Barlow Girls, which the kids hadn't listened to before. During one of the songs, it was talking about being one-million strong and growing stronger in sharing the good news of the gospel with the world. She again commented, 'This sounds like a song daddy would play at the gym.' No hesitation that daddy would play a song about witnessing for Jesus, while we were holding classes at the gym.  Because it's what we believe in and its what our hearts want to do.

John 15:8
This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Thank you Father, for your mercy. That you would want to remain in our lives, while we go on as miserable sinners, falling and getting up daily. That you would want to remain in us and work your goodness through all the turmoil we create for ourselves, because you love us that much! So that your glory may be revealed through us!

John 15:4
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

Another answered prayer, from long ago. The wonderings if, as a mom, I was going to be able to teach my children how to live in God. And the answer he laid before me, I was not going to be able to do it.
But as I remain in him, he will do it with me and through me, for his glory.

God desires to be so near to me, his chosen one

I was created for his purpose. And each day I have a choice to make.

Every day of these 31 years of my life, I've had a choice to make. From 0 to about 12 I didn't realize the power of that choice. Yet God waited for me. From 13-21 I think I knew I was making the wrong choice. I was not chosing God but myself. Yet my Father waited for me. Saved me from death, literal death and spiritual death. I could've been killed in a car accident, falling asleep at the wheel many times. I could have been murdered like Ms. Zimmerman and the many other women on the Madison campus who disappeared at bar time, only to end up dead. I could have killed myself, driving intoxicated behind the wheel or poisoning myself with alcohol. 

But God carried me through those times, for his purpose. Because he knew eventually, I would turn back to him and he would save me and heal me.

Matthew 13:15
For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.’

2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

These last days of my life and these last two and a half years, I have known more joy than I have ever known. He has blessed me with the most humble man I have ever known, to be my husband. I have experienced the power of his resurrection in the healing of my marriage, the healing of the hearts of myself, my husband and my children, in the healing of the terrible disease that once had overpowered my husband but has now been overcome by Jesus. I have been released from this world. I have broken free and cut the ties to this world and all its evil tactics and traditions. And I have experienced heaven on earth - Freedom and the everlasting love of God.

I chose to turn to God for him to heal me and I choose that daily. And this is my daily miracle, my heart is not calloused. The miracle of resurrection power is alive in me because of my brother and Savior, Jesus. Completely unrestrained.

The Help

Recently, I was blessed with a gift from The Father.  A chance to see 'The Help' for free. I only had to travel to the Cross Plains library to do so. An awesome gift. Our schedule was perfectly clear and the window was just right, inbetween dropping my daughter off at school and her being done with school. Couldn't have asked for it to be more perfect.

The day before it was to show, I remembered this was what I wanted to do in the morning. I had learned about it a week or so earlier and quite frankly forgotten about the showing! Busy times in combo with a very bad short-term memory!! But I remembered and then very clearly was told by my heavenly Father that I was to go there to meet someone. I knew this was my purpose for being there, and the movie itself was just a gift of grace from my Father. All is gift and grace!

So I woke up in the morning, a pep in my step, excited about the time to enjoy a movie I had been longing to see and excited to see what God had in store for me there. I dropped my daughter off to school and headed to Cross Plains. When I got to the room in the library where the movie was showing, it was completely filled, back to front, with cute little grammies and grampies, also ready to enjoy the movie! I smiled to myself and then spotted the ONE open sit in the room, next to the ONE other person who was anywhere close to my age! And there she was....my ordained divine appointment. 

What a sweet woman. My Father gave me no fear about making a new friend and instilled only his will into our conversation. We enjoyed the movie together and connected in the way in which God intended for us.  She left early so our good-bye was sweet and quick. But I know our paths will cross again, as God ordains.

I drove home, in tears, with goosebumps, hands raised to the sky praising my Father for such a gift. The gift of knowing, the Holy Spirit truly, clearly spoke to me that previous day. The gift of the Lord finding favor with me, that he chose to use me (for what is still unknown) in this woman's life. Humbled, honored, grateful, awestruck....to be given the gift of his love, that he would lavish down on me, to be part of his plan for her that day and what a gift to me, to have her be part of his plan for my day.

The day I saw 'The Help' will be forever a day etched in my memory for the gift and grace God poured down from the heavens on me. I pray a day like this for all my brothers and sisters!

Gratitude births deep desire

I feel like I have been drowning in a sea of grace as of late! It's an awesome thing! God has been pouring down blessing upon blessing, so much so that I haven't been able to focus on just one thing to write about! But something I have come to learn, over and over again through his showers of blessings, is that allowing gratitude to reign in my heart opens up the floodgates of his grace.

Malachi 3:10
Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.

Let's just replace the word 'tithe' with 'gift'.

See, everything is Gift and Grace from God. Everything. And when we bring all of everything he's given to us, to give it back to him for use in his Kingdom, he throws open the floodgates!

So much blessing that there is not enough room to store it. The key to this is...what is that blessing? Maybe it's not a tangible gift - food, money, clothing, shelter - maybe its assurance, love, a friendship, a means to an end.

And it's our desire to want to see God's will for what it is, rather than imposing our will on God, that opens up the eyes of our hearts to see those floodgates bursting open.  When our hearts can see that what we have and what we've been given and what we own and what businesses we run and what teams we coach and what groups we lead and the children we have are REALLY God's possessions and God's businesses and God's teams and God's groups and God's children, we allow him to open those floodgates and pour out the blessings.

Because only when we fully surrender ourselves, only when we forget our agendas and surrender our control of our plans to him, do we then have perfect vision of what God had intended us to be doing all along - Loving Him and Loving others.

Only he knows the form his love needs to take on to love others, and we just need to be the vessels, equipped and ready to be used.

And we do that by taking ourselves out of the way!

By being grateful, in the deepest depths of our being, for the second chance we've been given to serve him.